i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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