how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
