I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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