my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
