Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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