I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I am spending my child support on dildos
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
