hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
