Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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