Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
What's dad's email?
[email protected]
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
