So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
