I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
