I am in a vortex of obligation.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
