Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
