Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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