You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
