Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
