wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
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