I wish you could order shots online.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
