Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
