true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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