How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
