Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Randomize
