cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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