he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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