I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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