she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Randomize
