awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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