they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
