Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
