dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
This is not my ceiling
When we talk. Remind me of these topics, photoshop, my bday, threesomes, and cherekee indians. I swear these are real topics...
New topics to add when we talk, sweden, boxing, and the band journey
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
