mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
