I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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