i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
