So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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