I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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