Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Is Oprah even human
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
