I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
