It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
