none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
