When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
