Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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