walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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