I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
