clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
