8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Randomize
