Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
True strength comes from lack of pants
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Dicks are not precious.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
