Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
