There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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