Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
