He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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