So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
